Percy's New Pet (or, Why You Shouldn't Piss a Goddess Off)
by TheQueenofBooks1000
Summary: Nico, thanks to his fatal flaw of holding grudges, managed to anger a certain goddess of the Hunt, who vows to cure the son of Hades of his affliction by sending him to the dude that Nico has the biggest crush on—er, I mean, the biggest grudge on. Oh, and did I mention that Artemis turned Nico into a jackalope? What IS a jackalope, anyway? (No, this isn't some weird furry thing.)
1. Nico di Jackalope

**Hi, so...I read got the idea of this story from this post in Tumblr about weird prompts:**

I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I'm being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO

 **Yeah. So, to whoever came up with that prompt, thanks for the idea!**

 **Also, see that picture? That, kids is a jackalope. I have no idea if it actually exists, but it's pretty cute.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT RICK RIORDAN (OR AM I?!) AND I DON'T OWN PJO OR HOO.**

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 _"Ah, yes," Artemis nodded, satisfied. "I enjoy making jackalopes."_ \- Titan's Curse, chapter 3.

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Being a jackalope wasn't really that fun.

More so if you're supposed to be the ultra-terrifying son of Hades, the conjurer of deadly skeleton warriors, the legendary Ghost King—yep, all of that seems pretty useless when you've got furry paws and an adorable, twitchy rabbit nose.

Actually, Nico didn't even know what the actual fuck a jackalope was until he managed to piss a cluster of immortal people off (you know, just your average day in a demigod life) and— _poof_ —congratulations, you now look like Bambi's deformed brother.

He felt like the burger he had for lunch was far too big for his tiny digestive system. His transformation divested him of his clothing, much to his horror, and he lay in a puddle of aviator jacket and holey jeans, with only his fur to cover his creepy new bunny parts. He heard a loud crack and had just enough time to scurry away as his prized Stygian iron sword clattered to the ground, nearly slicing him in half.

It didn't help that an angry twelve year old deity now seemed to be on the verge of turning him into venison stew. Behind her, a spiky-haired daughter of Zeus was casually sharpening a set of silver arrows. She looked like she was in the mood for some sautéed bunny chops.

And as if that weren't completely terrifying enough, both of them also smelled like a mixture of three month-old meat loaf and explosive diarrhea, which Nico supposed was _kind_ of his fault. Sort of.

So maybe he _did_ pull a little something, a bit of revenge on the Hunters, certainly not enough to hurt them, but apparently enough to make them want to pulverize his skinny butt. Thankfully, the goddess kept the angry mob of pubescent girls at bay…right after she turned him into a mythological hybrid creature. A jackalope.

Terrific, Nico thought. In addition to being a son of Hades, a kid plucked out from the 1940s, a closeted homosexual, and the fact that he constantly reeked of _eau de_ dead people, he was now a jackalope. As if he wasn't isolated enough.

"Nico di Angelo." The goddess of the Hunt scrutinized him, a severe look gracing her young features. "I understand that you're still bent on giving my Hunters a hard time. I have given you a free pass the last time this has happened, son of Hades, but peeking into the tents of my maiden huntresses and directly antagonizing them is unforgivable."

"Seriously, Nico," Thalia growled. "I know you're a teenage _boy_ and can't control your nasty urges, but what the heck, dude? I'm your cousin!"

Nico wanted to point out that one, he wasn't even interested in girls and he certainly wasn't _peeking_ on them, especially the lethal Thalia Grace, and two, he and Thalia were NOT cousins, because gods didn't have DNA, and if he and Thalia were considered cousins then that meant that he and a certain son of Poseidon would be cousins as well, and fantasizing about _him_ felt creepy enough without the said individual being his close relative, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, all that came out was a full thirty seconds of squeaking.

"I see," Artemis said coolly. Nico blinked. Ancient Greek, yes, but he didn't know that goddesses were proficient in weird antelope-rabbit-thing speech, too. "Nico, I am cognizant of the fact that you still blame us for the death of your sister—"

More furious squeaking.

"—but it is time for you to grow up," Artemis finished sternly, fixing her gaze right at him. Her eyes had a haunted look of someone who has seen far too much, which unsettled Nico, since Artemis almost looked young enough for him to babysit. "I know that it takes _males_ several millennia to mature, which would simply not be enough for the short span of your half-blood life, but hear this, Nico di Angelo: I will not tolerate this kind of attitude towards my girls."

Nico couldn't believe that some preteen kid with a creepy stare was lecturing him about proper decorum, but then again, he wasa stinking jackalope. All he could do was blink his Bambi lashes innocently and plot murder.

Artemis kept talking. "She was a very nice girl, and a spirited huntress. Bianca would have done great things, I assure you that. And we have felt her loss keenly when she passed," she said, a hint of sorrow in her voice.

Nico didn't believe it for one second. He still blamed Artemis and her stupid Hunters for taking his precious big sister from him, and making her do dangerous things. A little voice in his head chided him that it was not really their fault and Bianca had made her own choice, but Nico ignored that voice in favor of delving into his anger.

Being angry was a lot easier than succumbing to his sorrow. He wasn't sure he'd be able to handle the magnitude of his pain, alone as he was.

"Yeah," Thalia put in, jarring him out of his thoughts, "plus, I wasn't even with the Hunters yet when she died. What the hell are you spraying me skunk juice for, Death Breath?"

"Nico," the goddess said gently, "am I correct in assuming that you have spoken to your sister after her time of passing?"

A squeak of affirmation.

"Did she also inform you that holding grudges is the fatal flaw of a child of Hades?" Blink, blink. "Yes, Nico di Angelo, I believe that the time has come for you to learn a little lesson."

Nico tilted his head to the side. Okay, maybe throwing Travis and Connor Stoll's signature fart bombs at the Hunters' tents _was_ a bit immature. But it's not like he did it on purpose. He just happened to have a crater of bombs at hand, and seeing the silvery tent resurfaced enough painful memories about Bianca to make him want to inflict bloodshed.

Big deal. It wasn't like he has been planning this attack for weeks or anything. The furry child of the Underworld scowled as deeply as rabbitly possible. This was so unfair.

"Aww," Thalia cooed. She cradled the son of Hades in her arms, and he caught a whiff of pure bathroom agony. "If I didn't hate you so much, I'd actually think you're pretty adorable."

Nico glared at his fake cousin. He kicked his little legs in protest. The scary, punk-rock giant of a perpetually-teenage girl merely smiled and cuddled him closer. Angrily, Nico bit her chin.

"Ow!" Thalia yelped. She promptly dropped him to the ground, and he landed unceremoniously on his bunny butt. He wondered if it was possible for a mythical hybrid… _thing_ to get a concussion. "Forget 'adorable,' di Angelo," she snapped. "I hope you remain a jackalope for life!" She turned and stormed away.

The deity's lips twitched in amusement as she watched her lieutenant go. "Thankfully, being immortal grants her immunity from rabies. Now, as I was saying," she continued, "you are to learn a lesson from this ordeal, son of Hades. I will not offend my uncle by trapping you in that form forever." Nico breathed a sigh of relief.

"But…" Her timeless eyes gleamed. "I can cure you, so to speak, of your fatal flaw."

Nico blinked. _How in Hades did she plan to do that?_

Artemis offered him a wan smile. "Do not assume that I will always be this generous, boy. I will send you, in the form of a jackalope, to the one whom you have felt a grudging passion for. The one that you hate the most, and yet…" She trailed off, eyeing him with amusement.

Nico felt all the blood in his little body run cold. He let out a little squeak. _Surely she didn't mean…?_

"Yes, I do," Artemis confirmed cheerfully. "This is your punishment, but you have a chance for redemption. Until you have forgiven _him,_ and finally be at peace with your feelings, you shall remain as you are." She paused. "But, if it is any consolation, and should your quest prove too difficult, I infinitely prefer you as a jackalope, Nico."

The goddess squatted to his level and tapped him between his eyes, like a little girl poking an animal to check if it was alive. "Enjoy, dear cousin."

Drowsily, he wondered if there were any legal procedures that involved disowning cousins, even if they were immortal and on the godly side.

And then his world faded to black.


	2. Breakups, Bathrooms, and Bromances

' **Sup, guys. Thank you for the reviews and favorites!**

 **This chapter is in Percy's POV. Nico doesn't really appear until the next chapter. Hope you're cool with that. But worry not, there's gonna be an overload of Nico cuteness next time he appears. I swear it on the River Styx, and I swear it on my troth!**

 **DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN PJO OR HOO.**

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Percy was peacefully taking a dump when a rainbow materialized in his bathtub. "Hey, Percy!" someone shouted.

He turned in surprise and instantly wished that he hadn't, because at that moment, he was face-to-face with the shimmering forms of a jittery satyr, a grave-faced blond dude, a sleepy-looking Latino boy, and Frank Zhang.

Apparently, the goddess Iris wasn't big on personal space. Even having your own personal bathroom and no cabin mates didn't guarantee a lot of privacy.

For a minute, they all just stared at each other. Then Frank blinked. And suddenly, all Hades broke loose.

"What the hell, guys?" Percy yelled. He grabbed a wad of toilet paper and covered himself, nearly falling off the toilet as he did so. He glared at them, looking like he wanted nothing more than to drown his friends with his unflushed toilet water.

"Uh…hey, Percy!" Grover said, looking just as embarrassed. He tried to break the ice by making small talk. "What'cha doing?"

"WHAT," Percy thundered, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?" His friends jumped back in abject terror. Only Jason stood his ground, his eyes steely with determination.

"Percy," Jason said calmly, "you've got to stop this."

The son of Poseidon threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, wow, this is just awesome. First my girlfriend dumps me, and now my friends want to meddle with my pooping. I'd like to know what _you'd_ do, Grace, if you spent the entire night eating burritos!"

"TMI, man," Leo said with a grimace.

"I was depressed, okay?"

Jason was unfazed. "Not about your pooping, man. You just keep doing that. I meant you have to stop your _moping_. You've been in there for a week! You'd need to get out of your cabin _some_ time."

Percy huffed. "Look, man, I really doubt that you'd want me around, being all sad and lonely and everything. I thought I was doing you guys a favor by staying away. I just need some time." He calmed down enough to manage a smile. "I'm okay. Really."

"I think it would be better if you spent more time outside," Jason said carefully. "We miss you, man. And look, Frank's here. Don't you want to see Frank?"

"Hi, Percy."

"Hey, Frank." Percy pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, guys. I appreciate…whatever the _hell_ this is, but right now I just want to be alone. I promise I won't kill myself or anything."

"We were scared that you hacked your wrists with Riptide," Leo said. "Or, like, drowned yourself in the bathtub or something."

Percy snorted. "You know I can't drown, right?"

"Oh, yeah." An awkward silence ensued. Percy sighed. "I guess I _do_ want to talk about it," he admitted. "But can that conversation wait? Like, when I'm actually wearing pants?"

"I'm not wearing pants, either!" Grover interjected, trying to break the tension.

The dark-haired boy shook his head, looking slightly disturbed. "Good to know, G-man."

"Well, when do you want to talk about it?" Jason persisted. "And for gods' sakes, can you clean up in there?" He pointed at an empty box of Twinkies on the edge of the sink. "Were you _eating_ in the bathroom?"

"Sorry, Mom," Percy said sarcastically. "Can you just give me a minute to wipe my butt and everything?"

"Fine," Jason returned. "But after that, you're coming with us. We'll be waiting outside your cabin." And with that, the son of Jupiter ran his hand through the message, cutting their connection. Percy wondered why the heck he didn't think of doing that in the first place.

He cleaned himself up and stood before the mirror.

Percy guessed that he _did_ look pretty damn horrible. His longish black hair was standing straight up, there was a new zit waving hello on his forehead, and he smelled like the Minotaur's armpit. He peeled off his shirt and sniffed himself. _Whoa._ Not getting wet was a sorry excuse to not bathe.

"Percy!" Jason called from outside.

"Give me a minute!" Percy yelled. "I haven't showered in a week!"

"Um, okay. Gross, man. We'll be back in ten minutes, okay?"

Ten minutes was enough time to manipulate the water into cleaning himself completely. Ten minutes was also enough time to brood over Annabeth Chase, his now ex-girlfriend. As if he hadn't been brooding over her for days now.

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Annabeth was actually very mature about breaking it off with him. She told him that she needed more space. She told him that she would always love him, no matter what, but that seeing him was always reminding her of their time at Tartarus.

"I just need to heal,Percy," she had said, her large gray eyes brimming with tears.

What was supposed to be a fun night of Monopoly, Yahtzee, a six-pack of Coke, and an entire platter of burritos was ruined as he beheld his girlfriend's heart-wrenching expression.

He hated seeing her cry. He had reached over to brush the wetness from her eyes, but she pulled back, shaking her head.

"But…I thought you said that everything was okay, as long as we're together," Percy said frantically, trying to pull her back to him. His numbness was slowly melting into grief. "Was that all a joke to you?"

"Of course not!" she cried. "I love you, you idiot! But right now, I just—" She broke off, lowering her head. "I've been having a lot of nightmares, Percy."

"So have I," he shot back. "I'm scared, too, you know. We need to be there for each other, Annabeth. But now you're leaving me. Why?"

"Remember what happened with Akhlys?"

Percy's face went ashen. "Are you saying that you're scared of _me_?"

"No. I love you," she insisted. "I'll always love you, Seaweed Brain. But after what we've been through together, I think we need some time apart. To grow. We're still practically children, Percy. I want to be free."

"From me."

Annabeth shook her head. "From Tartarus," she corrected.

"Good to know that being with me is Tartarus for you," he muttered darkly.

She held his hands firmly, her eyes never leaving his. "I love you," was all she said. He didn't doubt her words, even though they were breaking his heart. She held him silently, and they cried together in his cabin. She had kissed him lingeringly, one last time, whispering her good-bye as she went back to the Athena cabin.

The day after, she had left for New Rome.

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Percy exhaled as he put on a random pair of jeans. He didn't blame Annabeth. Actually, after angrily destroying most of his cabin and screaming at random objects, and then devouring a Roman army's worth of burritos in his despair, he did kind of understand where she was coming from. Maybe they were moving too fast. Demigod or not, Percy was still just a seventeen year old guy.

That didn't make it hurt any less, though.

"Hey, Perce?" This time it was Grover's voice from behind the door. "You ready?"

Percy took a deep breath. "Yeah. I guess." He slipped out of his cabin and allowed himself to be surrounded by his friends. He let them pat him on the back reassuringly and exchanged manly bro-hugs.

The son of Poseidon felt like crying again, but thankfully he didn't. The last thing he needed was yet another awkward incident with these guys.

Percy cleared his throat after Zhang released him from a massive bear hug (in which he got so into it that he actually turned into a bear) and flashed his friends a small grin. "Hey. Thanks, you guys. Really."

Jason patted him on the shoulder. "Anytime, man. Chiron's letting us go for the day. We can go anywhere you want—although you might want to bring a few weapons, in case our demigod stink sends monsters into a frenzy."

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but it would be awesome if that di Angelo dude was here," Leo mused. "He can shadow-travel us to, like, Vietnam or someplace."

"Where _is_ Nico, anyway? I kinda miss the little guy." Percy frowned when he noticed Jason looking at him strangely. "What?"

Jason stirred. "Uh, nothing, man." He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking at the ground. "That's true, though. I haven't been seeing Nico lately."

Frank didn't seem to notice their conversation. He was literally bouncing with enthusiasm, which would have been kind of cute if the guy didn't tower over everyone and was ripped with muscles. Or was a terrifying grizzly bear a mere few seconds ago. "This is neat," he declared. "I've never been on a guys' night out before! I wish we brought Hazel with us!"

"It's noon, Zhang," Leo pointed out. "And are you saying that Hazel is a guy?"

Frank glared at Leo. Leo's curls went limp as the giddy little boy turned into a menacing son of Mars. "Shut up, Valdez," he said gruffly. Then his face split into a huge smile as he thought of something. "Can we play video games? Grandmother never let me play."

"Can we stop for enchiladas first?" Grover interrupted. "I haven't had lunch yet."

Percy groaned, holding his stomach. "No more Mexican food for me, thanks."

"Right. Don't want you pooping on everything," Leo teased.

The boys left the borders of Camp Half-Blood, laughing and messing around.

And then Nico di Jackalope showed up, and their little rendezvous took a nosedive for the weird _._

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 **Bromance for the win!**

 **Evidently, I'm deviating a bit from the events of** _ **Blood of Olympus,**_ **even though this story is set after Gaea's downfall** _ **.**_ **But yeah, mostly it's the same, except for the lack of Solangelo—which is a pairing that I love, except I haven't gotten over Nico's overwhelming love for Percy yet.**

 **Yeah…and please review. Thanks a bunch!**


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